I wrote this earlier in the week before I had a mini-breakdown and decided to come stay Thursday and Friday night. Just goes to show you how we really don't have a plan and are living day to day -this is SO not my strength but God seems to want to teach me to not be in control and be ok with it.
I am what most people consider an overprotective mommy. Lyra Kate is 4 1/2 years old and I have only been away from her for three days at a time, usually to go to the hospital and have another baby. My children are always with me, their Daddy, or their grandparents. We've never even left them with a hired babysitter without us just down the hall (Our babysitter for small group, Elizabeth Littlejohn).
Before we experienced this ourselves, I would never have imagined that I would be able to leave my newborn preemie at the hospital and come home. I just thought I would have to sit there by her side regardless of what else was going on. And I must say, if she were our only one, we may be doing just that.
First of all, Baptist does not provide a room for you to stay in while your baby is in the NICU. We did not know that prior to being transfered to Memphis. We were praying that the specialist team there that handled preterm labor and pregnancy complications could keep us from delivery long enough that our stay in the NICU would be very short. We recieved excellent care from the specialist team. They did everything, tried every drug, every known therapy - And I did everything that they told me, but my blood pressure would just not cooperate. It kept rising - while I was asleep. That should have been when it was the lowest, but for some reason it would shoot up when I slept. So, the decision was made that we had to deliver - not for Lucy's sake, but for mine. My blood pressure kept rising to dangerous levels.
The NICU does have a couple of rooms for families to stay in. We could request those but they are usually reserved for the sickest of babies. The children who are at risk of dying from complications get those rooms first. I think that is a great policy. We are so thankful that our Lucy is one of the healthiest of the dozen or so babies that are there.
We thought about renting a hotel room close to the hospital. That can get expensive if you are staying for three to four weeks. We may still do this as we begin trying to get Lucy to latch and take her feedings from me. Also, if her status were to change at all - we would spend any amount to be there just a few minutes away. But for now, she is doing wonderfully.
Another reason that we decided to come home was because I was still very sick when they released me. I had 48 hours of magnesium before Lucy's birth. This drug is given through an IV. It probably saved my life but it was torture. It meant lying in one position, flat on my back, while the drug slowly paralyzed me. I was also unable to eat or drink for that time. By the end of the 48 hours, I could move my head from side to side and had partial use of my right hand. It also heats you up. Although the room was dark and very cold, I would have thought I was standing in the yard in August. My face felt sunburned. It also messes with your ability to form coherent thoughts into words.
During my c-section, the magnesium was restarted and I had to stay on it another 24 hours after birth. This time, I had to begin pumping while being paralyzed. Thank God that Scott is not afraid to take care of me. I don't think I could have endured this without him. I also had the normal post c-section issues plus I had severe edema (swelling), and still do. It is worst in my legs and feet. Anyway, I felt horrible. My blood pressure is still elevated and I have a nice superficial knot in my right leg that hurts - mostly when I am trying to sleep. In other words, I didn't just have a baby by c-section, I fought really hard to not have a baby by c-section at 31 weeks and put my body through hell.
Honestly, I said all of that to say this - I have to recover before Lucy comes home. I want to be at my best when they send this little 4 pound miracle home to join us. I felt that these first days, while she was stable, I needed to come home and rest. Worry - yes, a bit. Cry - a whole lot. Call the NICU and talk to her nurse - yes, we are probably considered the annoying parents by now! But sitting for hours beside her incubator, while she sleeps in a type of artificial womb they have created for her, was not going to keep me from worrying or crying any less. These first few days, while she is not feeding from a bottle and while they are only getting her out once a day unless necessary, seemed like the perfect time to do this.
The last reason that we decided to come home was our other littles. On Thursday, the 4th, we hurriedly dropped them off at Nana & Pop's house so that Mommy could go for a routine check-up at her OB's office. We didn't come home for 8 days. We haven't even prepared them for the fact that Lucy was coming. Our children are doing great, but Mommy being sick and in the hospital scared them. Lila Grace told me, "Mommy, I don't like doctors and I don't like hospitals!" She seems to be the most affected by all of this. They needed to see that Mommy was ok. They needed to sleep in their own beds and play with their new Christmas toys and have Mommy read them a book and kiss them goodnight. Honestly, I needed this too.
As I've told everyone who has asked what they can do for us - we are just living day to day right now. We cannot even plan for tomorrow. We don't know what Lucy's health will do, although she seems to be on a path to come home soon. We don't know what my health will do - we spent monday afternoon having an ultrasound at the hospital to rule out having a blood clot in my leg.
Right now, our "plan" is to travel to see Lucy 3 to 4 times a week. We have to arrive at specific times to be able to feed and hold her. We also have begun kangaroo care which is the best thing ever! If I could drive, I would probably go everyday. But since I had major surgery, they have not released me to drive yet. Scott is still trying to work as much as possible. Since it is RSV season, the littles cannot go and visit Lucy in the hospital, so we have to arrange for their care while we go spend a few hours at the hospital.
Also, I am pumping. A lot. And as I have discovered, the more relaxed I am the more milk I have. I only have a few weeks to build up my supply. I have to do this while only pumping, without the benefit of having Lucy near to stimulate my milk production. As the nurses have told us, this is the best thing I can do for her right now. Get my milk supply up to where she only gets my milk. Thank the Lord, so far she has only received my milk. This is the most productive thing I can do for her right now.
So, maybe none of this makes sense to anybody but us. It is extremely difficult. No matter what we do, where we sleep, or how much we are at the hospital - we are really helpless in this situation. We may change our strategy in the coming days, but for now we are taking it one day at a time. We are trusting that God will watch over our Lucy while we are not able to.
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