On turning 38

Today I turned 38, and honestly, I'm really not bothered by that number. I think so many people are mournful on their birthdays. We travel through life, busy with the day to day, we reach another birthday and we become sad. We look at our lives and we see regret, we see missed chances or failed relationships and we mourn the passage of time. We look in the mirror and we see lines and grey hair or our changing bodies and we mourn our youth. We look at our lives and we feel old. 

I, however, do not feel mournful today. I have a few regrets and missed opportunities. I have a few relationships I wish I had tried harder to keep. I have lots of grey hair, a few wrinkles, and a body wreaked by 4 pregnancies in five years. But instead of sadness, I choose joy. 

I am filled with happiness today because I choose to focus on the blessings of my 38 years and not the disappointments.  I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who loves me more now than he did 21 years ago. I have 4 healthy, delightful children that I have the privilege of spending every day enjoying.  I have a beautiful little yellow house (I've always wanted a yellow house) with a yard made for childhood. I have a handful of sweet friends and a family that gets along. 

I have purpose in my life, and I know the direction I'm going and who is going with me. I know who I am, why I'm here, who I love and where I belong. I know what I want out of this life and I know exactly how to get it. I know what to be thankful for and who to be thankful to...

Today I turned 38 and I am blessed. 

A letter to my child on what should have been your first day of Kindergarten

My sweet child,

When I look at you this morning my heart aches a bit.  Today would have been the "big day"!  Instead it is just another hot and humid August day filled with the mundane of life.  Today is not the first day of school for you.  You are not off to Kindergarten like most of your friends.  No, today I will mourn just a little for the path we chose not to take. 

How can I explain the many long hours of prayer and discussion we took to reach this decision.  I know one day soon you will ask me that question - why? Why did we choose to homeschool?  I hope you will be satisfied with our answer.  It is a complicated one. 

We chose to keep you home for school because we love you.  Sometimes I love you so much it hurts.  We want what is best for you, and this is what we think is best.  When we first thought of sending you to Kindergarten, I knew I wasn't ready.  You are more than ready.  But me, well I wasn't ready to let you go. 

We were not ready to only see you a few hours a day and on the weekends.  We were not ready to have you separated from your brother and sisters all day.  We were not ready to have other five year olds influence all your choices.

In the five years since you were born, you have been my constant companion.  I had the great privilege of having you with me 95% of the time.  Daddy and I make many sacrifices for me to be home with you and your siblings.  Other than visiting your grandparents' house, you've never been to daycare or even mother's day out.  For this season of my life, you are my job. 

I enjoy spending my days with you.  I love when you whisper little secrets in my ear and snuggle up next to me for a book.  I love how you know what Lucy needs almost as fast as I do.  I love how you are grumpy in the morning and don't want to be looked at until you are reconciled to being out of bed.  Yes, some days are hard but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

You see, I want to continue on this journey with you.  I want to be the one to see you finally recognize all the ABCs.  I want to be there when you read your first book.  I want to teach you all about God and Jesus and faith and love.  I want see your smile when you figure out how money works and the phases of the moon and the bulb planted in fall will bloom in spring.  I am selfish.  I want those memories.  I am not ready to let someone else share the wonder of learning, of reading, of writing with you.  I want it to be me. 

This choice will be hard for all of us.  It will make you different.  Most children are not homeschooled and people will ask silly questions.  Our days will be long and filled with interruptions but I believe it will be worth it.  I know you better than anyone.  You have such a curiosity for life and I want you to pursue that.  I want you to fall in love with learning.  I want you to know what the words say in any book you choose.

And I hope one day you will forgive us - forgive us for keeping your world so small, for depriving you of the opportunity to make many more friends, for choosing to teach you amidst the laundry and  the errands.  I also hope one day you can thank us for giving you an extended childhood - one in which learning is done all day in many ways, where the day is not ruled by bells and schedules, where you only have to share the teacher with three others.

I mourned a bit for not taking the road more traveled today, but then I listened to you giggling at naptime with your sister when you were suppose to be sleeping and I knew we had made the right choice.

Love,
Mommy 

Our 4 year old

I thought this published in May, right after her birthday, but it didn't.  So I am just now publishing it though it was written months ago.

Lila Grace turned 4 on Saturday, the 18th. The last few months, our curly girl has grown up so much. Her development has been slower than her big sister's, not because there's something wrong, but because Lila likes being little. In fact, for this birthday she wanted to be 3 again!

The day of her birthday was also the day of her and Lyra's combo birthday party. I've never combined their parties, and I probably won't do this again. This year has been so difficult and this was a way to make it easier.

Lila Grace started her day by being awoken with Mommy & Daddy singing "Happy Birthday" to her while she was still in bed. She had her party at Jump, which was a big hit! Then we went to eat dinner with Nana & Pop.

On Tuesday night, Daddy & I took her to Build-a-Bear for her gift from us.  The bear's name is Lavender and is quite "girly" for a bear.  She also got a new outfit in purple - her favorite color.

The morning of her birthday it was raining.  The trees in the yard had bloomed and the flowers were falling with the rain.  She commented, "Look Mommy! It's raining flowers on my birthday!"  Our sweet girl sees the wonder and beauty in everything.  She is such a joy.

Dirty Laundry

I knew it was bad. A new baby with severe reflux. A toddler who pees through almost every diaper. A 4 year old who still has "accidents." A crazy, long moving schedule. Multiple doctor's appointments, activities, and just "life"!

I didn't know how bad it was, so I decided to pull it all out and face my problem. I felt that I could have a better strategy if I knew just how bad it really was.

I know you aren't suppose to air your dirty laundry but in the spirit of keeping it real, here you go! (And that doesn't include the sheets)

Our Birthday Girl

Our beautiful red-head turned 5 today. Time is passing by so quickly. I am beginning to forget the sweetness of her childhood. In her 1826 days here on Earth, she has spent most of those with me. The days and memories all run together. She still clings to her childhood innocence. She knows nothing of evil or loss. How I long to shelter her forever from this big bad world- to keep her from knowing heartache or fear. But then she would also miss the beautiful things of life like falling in love or learning she is capable of conquering her fear and uncertainty. She would miss the wonderful discovery of being who God designed her to be.


Today, she awoke early and Daddy and I sang to her in the kitchen in our pjs. I made chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. We played hide & seek for the 1st time in the new house. We also watched my little pony and played dress up. Then, she and I (and Lucy) went to the mall. We bought a new outfit at Gymboree, some new books, and got frozen yoghurt. Lyra also went to build a bear for the first time and picked out a pony.

We had homemade pizza for supper, her favorite meal. She got a Cinderella carriage from Nana & Pop and got a video message from Gammaw. She went to bed tonight after I prayed for her in a new gown, grasping her new pony, and reading her new book.

What a wonderful blessing our Lyra Kate is to us. She longs for beautiful and simple days. I see so much of the best of me in her. I prayed tonight for God to bless her, for her to grow strong and stay healthy, and for her to feel loved.

Bye-Bye House

It's finally here- our move to our new home. This morning we packed up the 3 oldest littles to go to Nana & Pop's until tomorrow night. We explained that this was the last time they would live here and all of their stuff was going to the new house.

It always hurts a bit to say goodbye. We moved here 3 years ago. This was the house we'd been working toward - the big new house, in the right school district, with the beautiful backyard, on the dead-end street, and right down the road from Nana & Pop. Our dream house...or so we thought.

It's funny how things change.

We moved here as a family of four and have grown to a family of six. Lyra offered her first prayers to God in her bedroom. Lila & Tucker learned to walk in our den. Scott stood in our bedroom twice and heard the words "I'm pregnant!" Tucker and Lucy have been brought home from the hospital to this house. Lyra learned to ride her tricycle in the living room. Ive rocked all our babies countless hours in the warmth of this house. We've welcomed numerous friends through our arched oak doors. So many memories have been made here.


Now it's time to leave this house and make memories elsewhere. A small older house, with huge oak trees, small rooms and smaller closets, on a busy country road, with a room for school, and a yard that seems to never end. We've traded our dream house for a house that will let us live our dreams.

I want to remember the sweet memories of our littles we made in this house. Lyra crying as she looked at her room one last time. Lila giggling as she excitedly ran down the hall to go out the door one last time. And our sweet Tucker, standing in the hall in front of his room waving and joyfully saying "bye-bye house!"

How it feels to have a baby in the NICU

"Why is it that no one tells you that when you start to labor over a child, you'll never stop, and you must remember to breathe?"  Ann Voskamp


That's how "this" feels - like one long labor, but it's not a labor of the body or even of the mind - it's a labor of the heart.  My heart aches, in a way I've never experienced. 

I've labored and birthed four children now.  None have come into the world in the same way.  Each birth has been different just like each child is different.  With a full-term healthy baby, I go from carrying the child in my womb to carrying the child in my arms.  Our children have all roomed in with us during our post-birth hospital stays.  Our newborns are just an arms reach away.  I become it's caregiver in this new world... with Daddy's help.  We feed, change, burp, dress, soothe, cuddle, rock, and protect from the beginning.  That is our role.  That is how God designed it.  Lucy's birth is nothing like this.

Lucy was rushed away after we looked at her for just seconds.  She was quickly given life sustaining treatment.  I was placed in a dark, cold room and was also given treatment.  I waited 28 hours to see her.  I could barely stand, was in a lot of physical pain, but my heart was overwhelmed by the what I saw.  A baby half the size of my smallest baby (Lyra Kate) hooked up to multiple wires and monitors. She was in an enclosed incubator.  I could only touch her, not hold her.  I couldn't breathe.

There is just something unnatural about not holding your newborn child.  As small as she was, I wanted to scoop her up and hold her close.  But I was unequipped to care for all her needs.  She needed a type of care that I could not provide. 

A few days later, we left and left Lucy there, alone.  It still feels wrong for her to be there and me to be here.  I can't stay there all the time.  I can't provide all of her care.  She is not ready to come home.  She is not strong enough yet.  So we wait... and waiting is torture. I hold my breath when the phone rings.  Is it the hospital?  Yes, and then I answer and I'm not breathing but waiting - is this the call that will send me racing to the hospital?  Has something gone wrong?  Is there a bad result on a test?  Has she developed an infection?  And then the doctor says that she is doing well and they are increasing her feedings and I thank him and hang up.  I must remember to breathe. 

Does time not stop for this?  Do the bills still need to be paid and the garbage taken out?  Do we still have to eat?  I don't feel like eating but I must eat to make milk... and Lucy needs my milk.  Do president's still get inaugurated and is the world still turning?  Do we still need to do the mundane of life?  Time should stand still in the waiting.  Our home looks like Mrs. Havisham's home in Great Expectations - frozen in time.  The dust collects and the decorations are still up and we live here but only just.  We are not really living here, we are just waiting.

Every night that I am home, Tucker wakes at 4 am.  He cries and calls for me.  I go and we rock.  He just wants his mommy.  He doesn't know what's different, but he senses it.  He just wants to know that I am here to care for him.  We rock for thirty or forty minutes in the dark living room where stockings are still hung on the mantle and the dark Christmas tree is in the corner.  I think of Lucy receiving her 4 am feeding and care.  Does she know that I am not there?  Does she look for my touch to calm her when her diaper is changed?  Does she smell the nurse and know that it's not mommy?  Is she listening for my voice to call her name? 

I am the mother of four children, not just one.  They need me too.  We are all in pain.  It is manifesting itself differently in each of us.  And daddy is holding it all up, carrying the weight of it all.  The children see me crying and now know I am crying because I miss Lucy.  Sometimes they cry with me. I keep myself busy, but really my mind is thinking of Lucy.  I pray she is alright.  I pray she will come home soon.  I pray that God will give me strength and sustain me for this journey. I crawl in my warm bed and wish I was sleeping on the tile floor in the NICU beside Lucy, but that is not possible. I must remember to breathe. 

I wonder why God did not allow me to carry her until she was 34 weeks?  Why it could not have been me in that hospital bed, connected to monitors and wires?  I would have gladly stayed there, as long as it took to keep her from these weeks in the NICU.  I know God's plan has a purpose but this is a lesson I don't want to learn.  It's too hard.

But then I breathe.  I remember - we are blessed.  I know this.  I watched a mother sit by her son and say goodbye.  He was tiny and sick.  And Lucy is tiny and healthy.  We are blessed.  There are small babies who I've never seen visited.  There are babies in isolation, who've never felt a human's touch without it being covered by a glove.  There is a family there that's son has been in the NICU 6 weeks and he is not as big as Lucy.  They have lifelong battles ahead.  We are blessed. I must breathe and remember this. 

Why we are not staying in Memphis

I wrote this earlier in the week before I had a mini-breakdown and decided to come stay Thursday and Friday night. Just goes to show you how we really don't have a plan and are living day to day -this is SO not my strength but God seems to want to teach me to not be in control and be ok with it.

I am what most people consider an overprotective mommy.  Lyra Kate is 4 1/2 years old and I have only been away from her for three days at a time, usually to go to the hospital and have another baby.  My children are always with me, their Daddy, or their grandparents.  We've never even left them with a hired babysitter without us just down the hall (Our babysitter for small group, Elizabeth Littlejohn). 

Before we experienced this ourselves, I would never have imagined that I would be able to leave my newborn preemie at the hospital and come home.  I just thought I would have to sit there by her side regardless of what else was going on.  And I must say, if she were our only one, we may be doing just that. 

First of all, Baptist does not provide a room for you to stay in while your baby is in the NICU.  We did not know that prior to being transfered to Memphis.  We were praying that the specialist team there that handled preterm labor and pregnancy complications could keep us from delivery long enough that our stay in the NICU would be very short.  We recieved excellent care from the specialist team.  They did everything, tried every drug, every known therapy - And I did everything that they told me, but my blood pressure would just not cooperate.  It kept rising - while I was asleep.  That should have been when it was the lowest, but for some reason it would shoot up when I slept.  So, the decision was made that we had to deliver - not for Lucy's sake, but for mine. My blood pressure kept rising to dangerous levels.

The NICU does have a couple of rooms for families to stay in.  We could request those but they are usually reserved for the sickest of babies.  The children who are at risk of dying from complications get those rooms first.  I think that is a great policy.  We are so thankful that our Lucy is one of the healthiest of the dozen or so babies that are there. 

We thought about renting a hotel room close to the hospital.  That can get expensive if you are staying for three to four weeks.  We may still do this as we begin trying to get Lucy to latch and take her feedings from me.  Also, if her status were to change at all - we would spend any amount to be there just a few minutes away.  But for now, she is doing wonderfully. 

Another reason that we decided to come home was because I was still very sick when they released me.  I had 48 hours of magnesium before Lucy's birth.  This drug is given through an IV.  It probably saved my life but it was torture.  It meant lying in one position, flat on my back, while the drug slowly paralyzed me.  I was also unable to eat or drink for that time.  By the end of the 48 hours, I could move my head from side to side and had partial use of my right hand.  It also heats you up. Although the room was dark and very cold, I would have thought I was standing in the yard in August.  My face felt sunburned.  It also messes with your ability to form coherent thoughts into words. 

During my c-section, the magnesium was restarted and I had to stay on it another 24 hours after birth.  This time, I had to begin pumping while being paralyzed.  Thank God that Scott is not afraid to take care of me.  I don't think I could have endured this without him.  I also had the normal post c-section issues plus I had severe edema (swelling), and still do.  It is worst in my legs and feet.   Anyway, I felt horrible.  My blood pressure is still elevated and I have a nice superficial knot in my right leg that hurts - mostly when I am trying to sleep. In other words, I didn't just have a baby by c-section, I fought really hard to not have a baby by c-section at 31 weeks and put my body through hell. 

Honestly, I said all of that to say this - I have to recover before Lucy comes home.  I want to be at my best when they send this little 4 pound miracle home to join us.  I felt that these first days, while she was stable, I needed to come home and rest.  Worry - yes, a bit.  Cry - a whole lot.  Call the NICU and talk to her nurse - yes, we are probably considered the annoying parents by now!  But sitting for hours beside her incubator, while she sleeps in a type of artificial womb they have created for her, was not going to keep me from worrying or crying any less.  These first few days, while she is not feeding from a bottle and while they are only getting her out once a day unless necessary, seemed like the perfect time to do this.

The last reason that we decided to come home was our other littles.  On Thursday, the 4th, we hurriedly dropped them off at Nana & Pop's house so that Mommy could go for a routine check-up at her OB's office.  We didn't come home for 8 days.  We haven't even prepared them for the fact that Lucy was coming.  Our children are doing great, but Mommy being sick and in the hospital scared them.  Lila Grace told me, "Mommy, I don't like doctors and I don't like hospitals!"  She seems to be the most affected by all of this.  They needed to see that Mommy was ok.  They needed to sleep in their own beds and play with their new Christmas toys and have Mommy read them a book and kiss them goodnight.  Honestly, I needed this too.

As I've told everyone who has asked what they can do for us - we are just living day to day right now.  We cannot even plan for tomorrow.  We don't know what Lucy's health will do, although she seems to be on a path to come home soon.  We don't know what my health will do - we spent monday afternoon having an ultrasound at the hospital to rule out having a blood clot in my leg. 

Right now, our "plan" is to travel to see Lucy 3 to 4 times a week.  We have to arrive at specific times to be able to feed and hold her.  We also have begun kangaroo care which is the best thing ever!  If I could drive, I would probably go everyday.  But since I had major surgery, they have not released me to drive yet.  Scott is still trying to work as much as possible.  Since it is RSV season, the littles cannot go and visit Lucy in the hospital, so we have to arrange for their care while we go spend a few hours at the hospital.

Also, I am pumping.  A lot.  And as I have discovered, the more relaxed I am the more milk I have.  I only have a few weeks to build up my supply.  I have to do this while only pumping, without the benefit of having Lucy near to stimulate my milk production.  As the nurses have told us, this is the best thing I can do for her right now.  Get my milk supply up to where she only gets my milk.  Thank the Lord, so far she has only received my milk.  This is the most productive thing I can do for her right now. 

So, maybe none of this makes sense to anybody but us.  It is extremely difficult.  No matter what we do, where we sleep, or how much we are at the hospital - we are really helpless in this situation.  We may change our strategy in the coming days, but for now we are taking it one day at a time.  We are trusting that God will watch over our Lucy while we are not able to. 

Complications

This pregnancy has been my easiest ever. We were very excited awaiting the arrival of our Lucy Claire. Then, on Christmas Eve, I began to swell. Over the next few days, I noticed the familiar signs of preeclampsia. Since it was the holidays, I waited for my appointment on January 4th. Preeclampsia was diagnosed and I was sent to the hospital for observation and testing. It was more progressed than we thought, so that began a chain of events that has lead to the following post.

Please read this and understand it was written with humbleness and brokenness. I do not mean to sound preachy in any way, but felt God was leading me to share this. I hope it finds its intended audience.

An Inconvenience and An Invitation


So, I am lying here at three a.m., on complete bed rest. For 40 hours now I have been unable to stand, sit completely up, or even roll completely on my side. I am covered with monitors, have several tubes collecting bodily fluids, and multiple things covering parts of my body to ensure there is no clotting.  The meds they are pumping in me have begun to affect my vision and my ability to think clearly. The only things I can really move are my arms and head, and those are limited.  I am unable to eat or drink. I have 18 hours left to go in this current state. Hopefully this will be enough to keep the condition from progressing and the rest will be a waiting game.

I had mild preeclampsia during my first pregnancy with Lyra Kate.  The risk of my developing preeclampsia in another pregnancy was higher than normal, but for us it was a risk worth taking.  Truthfully, the diagnosis sounds scary, but really, it's manageable. I'm receiving excellent care, and if I should get worse, Lucy can be born within minutes, and I can receive more aggressive treatment.

As cringe worthy as this may sound, in reality, it is just an inconvenience. There is nothing happening that is permanent, only temporary. I am not suffering from pain or even damaging my body for the long term - I am just buying time. Each moment that passes which Lucy Claire is still safe, tucked under my heart, reduces her risk of having complications - complications that could be life threatening or life altering. So, we will wait. I will be still. I will gladly answer their questions every hour and offer them my veins to draw more blood, even though I have been stuck over a dozen times in three days.

This is a dark path we must trod that will lead us up the mountain to see light. "Lucy" means "the bringer of light" and we are sure she will live up to her name when she arrives.

Scott took a picture of me with all my added bells and whistles and I forbid him from showing it to anyone. He said he was taking the picture to keep, so one day he could show the children that this was, "what love looks like." This is another one of the million reasons that I absolutely love this man - he knew that was what I needed to hear and he wasn't afraid to say it.

He is right, this is what love looks like.

This is the love that God teaches - the sacrificial love, the love that costs something, the love that asks more than you could ever imagine giving; the dying to yourself type of love. 

God has extended to me an invitation
- come, and be still, and know that I am God. I am the God of love.  Experience this situation, do not be afraid to seek its blessing.  For as a child of God, ALL of life - the good and the bad, the easy and the difficult, is to grow us. In the dark, if we embrace it and allow ourselves to feel God's presence and grace, we will learn more of who He is and who we are called to become. 

So I'm taking God up on His invitation.  I am claiming a few promises:

Philippians 4:6-7
⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 3:14-21
⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Philippians 4:11-13
¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

James 1:2-4
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 5:13-15
¹³ Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. ¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.

1 John 3:16
¹⁶ This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

1 John 4:18-19
¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.¹⁹ We love because he first loved us.