A letter to my child on what should have been your first day of Kindergarten

My sweet child,

When I look at you this morning my heart aches a bit.  Today would have been the "big day"!  Instead it is just another hot and humid August day filled with the mundane of life.  Today is not the first day of school for you.  You are not off to Kindergarten like most of your friends.  No, today I will mourn just a little for the path we chose not to take. 

How can I explain the many long hours of prayer and discussion we took to reach this decision.  I know one day soon you will ask me that question - why? Why did we choose to homeschool?  I hope you will be satisfied with our answer.  It is a complicated one. 

We chose to keep you home for school because we love you.  Sometimes I love you so much it hurts.  We want what is best for you, and this is what we think is best.  When we first thought of sending you to Kindergarten, I knew I wasn't ready.  You are more than ready.  But me, well I wasn't ready to let you go. 

We were not ready to only see you a few hours a day and on the weekends.  We were not ready to have you separated from your brother and sisters all day.  We were not ready to have other five year olds influence all your choices.

In the five years since you were born, you have been my constant companion.  I had the great privilege of having you with me 95% of the time.  Daddy and I make many sacrifices for me to be home with you and your siblings.  Other than visiting your grandparents' house, you've never been to daycare or even mother's day out.  For this season of my life, you are my job. 

I enjoy spending my days with you.  I love when you whisper little secrets in my ear and snuggle up next to me for a book.  I love how you know what Lucy needs almost as fast as I do.  I love how you are grumpy in the morning and don't want to be looked at until you are reconciled to being out of bed.  Yes, some days are hard but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

You see, I want to continue on this journey with you.  I want to be the one to see you finally recognize all the ABCs.  I want to be there when you read your first book.  I want to teach you all about God and Jesus and faith and love.  I want see your smile when you figure out how money works and the phases of the moon and the bulb planted in fall will bloom in spring.  I am selfish.  I want those memories.  I am not ready to let someone else share the wonder of learning, of reading, of writing with you.  I want it to be me. 

This choice will be hard for all of us.  It will make you different.  Most children are not homeschooled and people will ask silly questions.  Our days will be long and filled with interruptions but I believe it will be worth it.  I know you better than anyone.  You have such a curiosity for life and I want you to pursue that.  I want you to fall in love with learning.  I want you to know what the words say in any book you choose.

And I hope one day you will forgive us - forgive us for keeping your world so small, for depriving you of the opportunity to make many more friends, for choosing to teach you amidst the laundry and  the errands.  I also hope one day you can thank us for giving you an extended childhood - one in which learning is done all day in many ways, where the day is not ruled by bells and schedules, where you only have to share the teacher with three others.

I mourned a bit for not taking the road more traveled today, but then I listened to you giggling at naptime with your sister when you were suppose to be sleeping and I knew we had made the right choice.

Love,
Mommy 

A Suprise Baby?

Our children's converse shoes plus a new pair for a new baby

In case you haven't heard, we are expecting a new addition here in the Land of Lentz.  We are very excited.  We have shifted in the last few weeks into full pregnancy mode - cravings, exhaustion, nausea, maternity clothes - everything you would expect when you're expecting.

The above picture was taken by Scott on our sidewalk out front.  This was how we announced to the world, via Facebook, that we are expecting again.  It was cute, fun and easy.  A lot easier than tracking down 20 to 30 people and telling them one at a time.  That was great with the first three but we thought this would be quick and easy.  We would let the shocked public spread the word for us!

Of course, we've gotten some great comments.  Most we smile at and just go on.  Scott has his own way of dealing with inappropriate comments that is usually funny but embarrassing to the one bold enough to venture something they think is clever.  Of all the comments, the one I actually had to think about was "is this a "surprise" baby?" 

After contemplating that for a couple of days I came up with the answer - Yes and No.  First, I'll explain the Yes.

Yes, this baby was a surprise, just like the last 3 have been a surprise.  Why? Because we had 8 years of infertility.  We didn't just have a hard time getting pregnant - we had a hard time getting pregnant, staying pregnant, ovulating, everything! Before we had Lyra Kate in our tenth year of marriage, we experienced the following things:

Diagnosis of PCOS and anovulation (meaning I had no eggs to ovulate)
Medication therapy resulting in a pregnancy
Lost pregnancy at 14 weeks due to progesterone underproduction
Several years of anovulation
Many tests to determine exact problems with a fertility clinic
Fertility drugs
Declaration by fertility doctor that in vitro was our best hope, but even then I may not be able to carry a 
   child to term
Found a new doctor and started over with treatments
More drugs - every drug on market for fertility tried over 3 years in varying dosages
IVF injectable drugs used with Artificial Insemination
Artificial Insemination - tried 14 times
Surgery to correct issues - some endometrosis removed, a tilted uterus fixed, a herniated uterus fixed,
    ovarian resectioning
Recovery time from surgery waiting for my body to try to ovulate
More drug therapy
Another miscarriage at only 5 1/2 weeks
Declaration by our doctor that there was nothing else he could do for us so he was recommending in vitro
Consultation with in vitro doctors who declared we were good candidates

And then what happened, we got pregnant with Lyra Kate.  I took hormone therapy until my 16th week to stay pregnant with her.  We were actually waiting on my cycle to go start our first round of in vitro when we discovered we were expecting - surprise!

After she came, we were told the worst thing that I could do for my body was to introduce any type of synthetic hormone (birth control) to my system.  We decided to forgot birth control.  I mean we hadn't used any birth control for 10 years and we only had one child!  What were the chances....

We then found out we were expecting Lila Grace.  Surprise!  We were ecstatic!!  We just "got pregnant"!  No trying. No waiting.  I still took hormone therapy for 12 weeks to stay pregnant.

After Lila Grace's birth we thought long and hard about birth control.  We decided to forgo using any form of birth control and just see what happened.  Shortly after Lila's first birthday, we found out we were expecting Tucker.  Surprise!  We were thrilled. 

After Tucker's birth, our birth control decision remained the same.  We spent so much time worrying about getting pregnant for so many years that we just were not going to worry about it and let God send us the children that he wanted us to have.  I know, we crossed into crazy land on that one. 

And that leads us to now, expecting number 4.  When this one arrives, and it is only one, we will have a 4 year old, a 3 year old, a just turned 2 year old, and a newborn.  The girls will soon have birthdays and be 5 and 4, but we will still have four under five years old.

So, yes this child is a surprise.  Why?  Because I still have PCOS and can stop ovulating at any time. Because this child was unplanned.  Because, we lived a lot of years thinking and being told that this dream of having children would never happen for us. 

Now, let me explain the NO....

No, this child is not a surprise.  Why?  Because of what happened when we were waiting to start in vitro.  I was devastated.  I did not want to go through in vitro.  I was tired.  We were broke.  I didn't think I had the resolve left to walk through that.  So I had a moment, a conversation with God.  A conversation very similar to the one Christ had in the garden.  I asked God if there was any way for me to avoid this.  If he would just provide a different way.  Well, he did.  Without even trying, we got pregnant.  I knew the moment the test read positive that this pregnancy would end with a baby.  We had done all we could do.  Medicine had fixed what they could and then God stepped in an provided. 

After Tucker was born, we had a lot of sleep issues with him.  I don't think I got a regular night sleep for the better part of a year.  I was so exhausted.  I also had a c-section with him and  hiatal hernia surgery when he was 3 months old.  I was told by my doctors it would be best if I waited a year before getting pregnant. Well, I just trusted that if we were going to have another baby, God's timing would again be right.  What do you know, it's been 13 months since my hernia surgery.

So I guess that's why this baby is and is not a surprise.  He or she is a surprise because I am still amazed that we have 3 children and are expecting a 4th after all we went through.  And that he or she is not a surprise because God is still in the business of miracles if we only chose to see them.

Raising Beautiful Girls

I get lots of comments on how beautiful our girls are.  I try to always be gracious and say thank you.  Of course, we think they are beautiful.  I tell them many times a day how pretty they are, how pretty their hair is, or how lovely their smiles are.  I want them to feel pretty just the way God made them. 

Blue-eyed Baby

There is a danger though when it comes to raising little girls in our society - The danger of making it too much about how they look!  We see it when little girls are dressed inappropriately at young ages, when preteens are already obsessed with their weight, and with girls who only feel pretty if someone is telling them that they are pretty (and the parents' opinion doesn't count).

Chocolate covered cutie

So after much prayer, observation, and consideration, we have come up with a few things to consider as we raise our beautiful girls:

1.  We want our girls to be content with the way God created them.  So many women are obsessed with changing something about their outward appearance that it changes their self-perception and occupies too much of their mind.  I'm not saying they won't have braces or ever pluck their eyebrows, but things about their bodies that are unchangable should not be despised.
2.  We want our girls to take care of their bodies.  This means having good hygiene and learning to maintain their bodies.  We want them to have healthy habits like wearing sunscreen and flossing. 
3.  We will not participate in "so-called beauty pageants". Our girls are only 2 & 3 and don't even know what a beauty pageant is, but I believe at this age the pageants are more for the parents than for the child.  Changing a child's appearance with over done hair, makeup, and spray tans is making little girls into little adults - not promoting the things that make these little girls naturally beautiful. 
4.  We will emphasis inner beauty five times as much as outward beauty.  Some of the most beautiful women I know are plain women who exude inner beauty in their lives.  I want our girls to reflect a beautiful soul.
5.  We will dress our children in age-appropriate and modest clothing.  I am shocked sometimes at the way toddlers are dressed and at the clothing available for little girls.  String bikinis are not cute on 18 month-olds... ever!  I know this will be a battle until adulthood, but it is one I am passionate about.  Modesty is not a virtue in our culture.
6.  We will teach our children to see the beauty in others. Little girls learn to be mean to other girls and are usually critical of how other girls look and dress.  I believe all children are beautiful.  I believe everyone has something about them that is pleasing - eyes, smile, hair, personality.
7.  We will try to be the main influence in their lives as parents and not let media, culture, or peers take our place.  We are already very selective in what our children are exposed to.  We don't watch a lot of commercial television (we record most things and skip the commercials), we only watch age appropriate things, and we greatly limit our girls' exposure to other children.  Yes, we are over-protective.  Yes, we will continue to be over-protective.  Yes, I believe so many children are under-protected. 

Hat-loving little girl

I know as our girls get older there will be many more challenges concerning their looks.  This list will change and evolve as they grow and as we, as parents, learn.  We will make mistakes.  But, I believe it is worthy to have a goal.  I believe it is smart to know what habits and behaviors you would like to avoid and to have a gameplan as to how to do just that.  I believe that I only get one shot at this and that it is worth my time and energy to raise beautiful girls.

Sitting-pretty baby

A Blog Break

Ok, so I had to take some time off from blogging...  I just had to.  I hated to, but things got pretty busy around here and well, I had to take some time off.  I regret it.  But, after my surgery, I vowed until I tackled the mess that was our master suite, I would not blog.  And yes, I just got around to really cleaning up our master suite...since June.  Now, I've "spot" cleaned (where you vacuum or clean the toilet or change the linens on the bed), but I just now cleaned the entire area at once for the first time in months.  Well, except Scott's dresser.  I have no idea what to do with all the stray junk that clutters the top of his dresser, so I just put it on his honey-do list and declared the master suite clean.  Still junkie in places, but done. 

Now, on to the reason that the master suite was in such a state - sleep-deprivation.  I have never, in all my years, experienced the level of exhaustion that I have had for the last 229 days. Since our little man came into our lives, I have been functioning on very little, disjointed, poor quality sleep.  My average for weeks would be about 6 hours a day - 2 hours in bed, followed by an hour awake, followed by 2 hours in the recliner holding a 15 pound restless baby, followed by another hour awake, followed by an hour in the bed, then an hour nap in the afternoon - if I was really lucky.  August and September were the worst.  I had no reserve energy left.  I was in survival mode! 



Tucker during naptime

 We had sleep issues from day 1 and they have just gotten worse.  During the first month he required a light on and the TV, with voices, to be able to sleep.  Then he had colic.  Then he had tummy pain because of milk problems.  Then he started teething.  Finally, just last week, he has started to sleep consistently most nights, although he still gets up one to two times a night for a snack. 




Grinning little man

 To say these last few months have been a struggle would be an understatement.  I feel as if I am always behind, way behind, like still rocking-the-eighties-mullet behind!  I feel as if I need to be doing other things - like laundry, cleaning, or showing my girls some attention.  Everyday is a day of the "what absolutely HAS to be done today and cannot wait" kind of day.  I truly have not had the energy to do anything else.  I have had no creativity during this time.  I haven't felt like doing anything that takes any thought or effort like learning a new recipe or decorating.  But, now that I am getting more sleep, that is starting to change. 





Naptime Buddy


Our little man has been worth the effort no matter what!  He is a loving, cuddlebug full of joy and curiosity.  He only has eyes for me...and is my biggest fan since he always stops crying if I sing "You are my Sunshine" to him.  He has a special bond with Lyra Kate and thinks Gracie is so funny.  He seeks his Daddee's attention whenever he is in the room.  He was well worth the loss sleep and lack of energy for the past few months, but I still hope that those days are behind us now.  I'm ready for long, uninterrupted nights of restful sleep again.

A Mother's Work

Our society is obsessed with the idea of being productive.  Everywhere you are told how to "make the most of your time" by multitasking so that you can be a better worker.  In the job world (the one outside my door that I no longer belong to) workers are expected to produce results.  In a manufacturing job, your job performance is based on if you reached production.  In a sales job, your job performance is based on how much you have sold.  In a service job, your job performance is based on how many people you "served" that day successfully.  Even in a teaching job, your job performance is based on your students mastering a set of objectives by the end of the year based on your teaching.  Everyone has some "production" standard that has to be met.

I'm not afraid to rock the pink swing!

 

But what I have found now that I am at home is that my production is the unseen kind. I can do mountains of laundry and there is still dirty laundry at the end of the day.  I can fix three meals a day and clean the kitchen each time but everyone is still hungry the next morning.  I can bathe all the children and they will get dirty and need a bath the next day (sometimes the same day).  I can pick up all the toys and they are in the floor again before bedtime.  I can mop the floor in the morning and it's sticky by suppertime.  I can fill the fridge and pantry with a shopping trip and they are empty by the end of the week.  I can carefully shop for clothing for the children but they quickly outgrow them.  I can sweep the porch and the wind blows the leaves back to the door.  I can teach the toddler how to put on her shoes and still have to teach it again tomorrow.  I can correct my children's behavior now and again in fifteen minutes (and two dozen more times before lunch). I can make my husband's coffee and pack his lunch but I will need to do it again tomorrow. I can work and work but this work will need to be done again and again.

Gracie giving Daddee the stare

The work I do for my family is only seen when they put on their clean clothing, sleep on their clean sheets, and when they always find a snack when they are hungry.  The work I do is seen when we never run out of milk or formula or clean underwear or diapers.  The work I do is seen when the bills are paid, the appointments are kept, and the shoes fit.  The work I do is seen in the child that has good manners and the child that is kind to others.  The work I do is seen in a husband that looks forward to coming home to spend time with his family.

Our big girl in her tire swing

My work these days is not considered  productive by the world's standard.  There is no product to produce or client to make happy.  There are no objectives to meet by a deadline or sales quotas to reach.  There are only people to serve and a home that needs serviced to meet the needs of those people.  A mother's work is never done and can only be measured by the happiness that is found among the people in her home.