As I sit here looking south out the hospital window, the last light of the day is fading away. A surgeon's skilled hands repaired what was broken today. I am in pain. I cannot eat, just drink. I'm losing my voice. But I am healing and I will be thankful anyway.
I miss my babies. I cried hard when I drove away last night. I cry now when I think too long about them.
They don't understand where Mommy has gone. I need hugs and kisses and to smell that baby smell. I will not see them for a couple more days but I will be thankful anyway.
I laid on the operating table this morning shivering and staring up at the bright surgical lights. I am always nervous when they put me to sleep. I hated that I needed this surgery. I wanted to avoid it. I laid there and talked to God as my consciousness faded away. I feel broken but I will be thankful anyway.
It so easy to be thankful for the good things in life. I am learning to be thankful for everything - the hard things, the painful things...the fullness of life.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
But I'm afraid of the dark...
We are standing here at a fork in the road. One path is clear and bright. It is a familiar path- just like the path before the fork. The other path is only lit a few feet before it is obscured by darkness. It's obstacles are hidden, unknown. We have to choose the path for us. We can't stand at the fork forever....
In case you haven't heard, at the end of the week my dear hubby will be changing jobs. I have very mixed emotions about this change. Not only is he changing jobs but he will also be changing career paths by stepping into full-time ministry.
I must admit that I am a bit scared. This part of our lives, our income and vocation, is something that was easy to see. He would work for the bank and would receive a small raise and an occasional promotion until he was old enough to retire. We would live in one place, raise our children, and grow old together just as we had planned. But now God has asked more of us, and our path is hidden from view - somewhere out there in the dark. We have signed on to serve God vocationally and that may lead us places that we never thought we would go. It may mean less income for our growing family or moving one day to follow God's calling in our lives. For the first time in our lives together our future is unseen.
When Scott first considered going into full time ministry, there were many things that appealed to me about this change. He would have more time at home than before, since he has had a full time job and a part time job for the past five years. He would have more flexibility in his daily schedule, like coming home for lunch occasionally. He would be able to do all his church work at the office and not have to work at home (something our little ones didn't understand). And when I think about the sacrifices that this change may require, none of them really got to me. I was okay with less money and benefits. I was fine with being "on call" as a staff member of the church. I was okay with the added responsibilities that may be placed on him and me. The only thing that scared me was the "unseen" aspect of our future - the darkness on the path ahead of us. The part that God has chosen to keep hidden from us until the appropriate time.
My fear is because I like to have control. I like to know what's next. I like security and safety. But God is slowly removing all the things in my life that are unattractive - and this need for control is next on the list.
So.... Scott has chosen our path. It's the one that leads into the darkness - the unknown and unpredictable. It's the one that scares me. I will surrender my fear and place my trust in God's promise that His way is better than ours. And, I will take Scott's hand and walk with him into this place where God has called him.
In case you haven't heard, at the end of the week my dear hubby will be changing jobs. I have very mixed emotions about this change. Not only is he changing jobs but he will also be changing career paths by stepping into full-time ministry.
I must admit that I am a bit scared. This part of our lives, our income and vocation, is something that was easy to see. He would work for the bank and would receive a small raise and an occasional promotion until he was old enough to retire. We would live in one place, raise our children, and grow old together just as we had planned. But now God has asked more of us, and our path is hidden from view - somewhere out there in the dark. We have signed on to serve God vocationally and that may lead us places that we never thought we would go. It may mean less income for our growing family or moving one day to follow God's calling in our lives. For the first time in our lives together our future is unseen.
When Scott first considered going into full time ministry, there were many things that appealed to me about this change. He would have more time at home than before, since he has had a full time job and a part time job for the past five years. He would have more flexibility in his daily schedule, like coming home for lunch occasionally. He would be able to do all his church work at the office and not have to work at home (something our little ones didn't understand). And when I think about the sacrifices that this change may require, none of them really got to me. I was okay with less money and benefits. I was fine with being "on call" as a staff member of the church. I was okay with the added responsibilities that may be placed on him and me. The only thing that scared me was the "unseen" aspect of our future - the darkness on the path ahead of us. The part that God has chosen to keep hidden from us until the appropriate time.
My fear is because I like to have control. I like to know what's next. I like security and safety. But God is slowly removing all the things in my life that are unattractive - and this need for control is next on the list.
So.... Scott has chosen our path. It's the one that leads into the darkness - the unknown and unpredictable. It's the one that scares me. I will surrender my fear and place my trust in God's promise that His way is better than ours. And, I will take Scott's hand and walk with him into this place where God has called him.
Monday, May 23, 2011
A Mother's Work
Our society is obsessed with the idea of being productive. Everywhere you are told how to "make the most of your time" by multitasking so that you can be a better worker. In the job world (the one outside my door that I no longer belong to) workers are expected to produce results. In a manufacturing job, your job performance is based on if you reached production. In a sales job, your job performance is based on how much you have sold. In a service job, your job performance is based on how many people you "served" that day successfully. Even in a teaching job, your job performance is based on your students mastering a set of objectives by the end of the year based on your teaching. Everyone has some "production" standard that has to be met.
But what I have found now that I am at home is that my production is the unseen kind. I can do mountains of laundry and there is still dirty laundry at the end of the day. I can fix three meals a day and clean the kitchen each time but everyone is still hungry the next morning. I can bathe all the children and they will get dirty and need a bath the next day (sometimes the same day). I can pick up all the toys and they are in the floor again before bedtime. I can mop the floor in the morning and it's sticky by suppertime. I can fill the fridge and pantry with a shopping trip and they are empty by the end of the week. I can carefully shop for clothing for the children but they quickly outgrow them. I can sweep the porch and the wind blows the leaves back to the door. I can teach the toddler how to put on her shoes and still have to teach it again tomorrow. I can correct my children's behavior now and again in fifteen minutes (and two dozen more times before lunch). I can make my husband's coffee and pack his lunch but I will need to do it again tomorrow. I can work and work but this work will need to be done again and again.
The work I do for my family is only seen when they put on their clean clothing, sleep on their clean sheets, and when they always find a snack when they are hungry. The work I do is seen when we never run out of milk or formula or clean underwear or diapers. The work I do is seen when the bills are paid, the appointments are kept, and the shoes fit. The work I do is seen in the child that has good manners and the child that is kind to others. The work I do is seen in a husband that looks forward to coming home to spend time with his family.
My work these days is not considered productive by the world's standard. There is no product to produce or client to make happy. There are no objectives to meet by a deadline or sales quotas to reach. There are only people to serve and a home that needs serviced to meet the needs of those people. A mother's work is never done and can only be measured by the happiness that is found among the people in her home.
 |
| I'm not afraid to rock the pink swing! |
But what I have found now that I am at home is that my production is the unseen kind. I can do mountains of laundry and there is still dirty laundry at the end of the day. I can fix three meals a day and clean the kitchen each time but everyone is still hungry the next morning. I can bathe all the children and they will get dirty and need a bath the next day (sometimes the same day). I can pick up all the toys and they are in the floor again before bedtime. I can mop the floor in the morning and it's sticky by suppertime. I can fill the fridge and pantry with a shopping trip and they are empty by the end of the week. I can carefully shop for clothing for the children but they quickly outgrow them. I can sweep the porch and the wind blows the leaves back to the door. I can teach the toddler how to put on her shoes and still have to teach it again tomorrow. I can correct my children's behavior now and again in fifteen minutes (and two dozen more times before lunch). I can make my husband's coffee and pack his lunch but I will need to do it again tomorrow. I can work and work but this work will need to be done again and again.
 |
| Gracie giving Daddee the stare |
The work I do for my family is only seen when they put on their clean clothing, sleep on their clean sheets, and when they always find a snack when they are hungry. The work I do is seen when we never run out of milk or formula or clean underwear or diapers. The work I do is seen when the bills are paid, the appointments are kept, and the shoes fit. The work I do is seen in the child that has good manners and the child that is kind to others. The work I do is seen in a husband that looks forward to coming home to spend time with his family.
 |
| Our big girl in her tire swing |
Thursday, May 19, 2011
What's in a name? part one
When we were pregnant with Lyra Kate and we found out she was a girl, we were stumped when it came to a name. We had actually been talking about names for years but when it came time to settle on a name - well, it wasn't so easy! Scott and I made a deal - if it was a girl he could pick the name and if it was a boy then I would pick the name. (I was sure I was having a boy but I was mistaken). I kept my word and let him pick the name.
We decided we would like an "L" name and we wanted something unique. We also wanted the name to have a good meaning and maybe part of the name to be a family name. One day while browsing a name site I ran across the name Lyra. I emailed it to Scott. He did a bit of research and discovered that the meaning was perfect for us - "the instrument of God." He then added the Kathryn, which is my sister's middle name, so that it could be shortened to Kate. Kathryn means "pure." So Lyra Kathryn means "the pure instrument of God."
Her name reflected the hope that we have for her - that she will one day be used by God to further His Kingdom. We thought it was perfect. It was an old-fashioned name that was as unique as she was.
When she was about three months old, I was sitting in church listening to a sermon. As often happens, what I got out of the message that day had nothing to do with what our pastor was speaking on. I realized that Lyra Kate was already "an instrument of God"! She was the fulfillment of a wonderful promise that God gave us.
We prayed many years that God would bless us with a family. Each time we would feel like giving up hope, something would happen to give us peace and a renewed strength. During our many years in the "desert," we knew that God would give us a family - in His time and in His way. I still went through surgeries and treatments, and when medicine had done all it could do for me - God stepped in and gave us Lyra Kate. Although I had lost two previous pregnancies, I knew when my little stick had two lines that this child would be our first living child. I had a peace throughout my pregnancy because I just knew at the end we would have our long awaited child.
Lyra Kate always has a kiss and a hug for everyone. She is very nurturing to her little brother and sister. She is so sweet sometimes you would think she was dripping sugar! She can be a bit challenging since she has a redheaded temper that flares up sometimes. She has a sweet spirit and we are blessed to call her daughter.
We decided we would like an "L" name and we wanted something unique. We also wanted the name to have a good meaning and maybe part of the name to be a family name. One day while browsing a name site I ran across the name Lyra. I emailed it to Scott. He did a bit of research and discovered that the meaning was perfect for us - "the instrument of God." He then added the Kathryn, which is my sister's middle name, so that it could be shortened to Kate. Kathryn means "pure." So Lyra Kathryn means "the pure instrument of God."
Her name reflected the hope that we have for her - that she will one day be used by God to further His Kingdom. We thought it was perfect. It was an old-fashioned name that was as unique as she was.
When she was about three months old, I was sitting in church listening to a sermon. As often happens, what I got out of the message that day had nothing to do with what our pastor was speaking on. I realized that Lyra Kate was already "an instrument of God"! She was the fulfillment of a wonderful promise that God gave us.
We prayed many years that God would bless us with a family. Each time we would feel like giving up hope, something would happen to give us peace and a renewed strength. During our many years in the "desert," we knew that God would give us a family - in His time and in His way. I still went through surgeries and treatments, and when medicine had done all it could do for me - God stepped in and gave us Lyra Kate. Although I had lost two previous pregnancies, I knew when my little stick had two lines that this child would be our first living child. I had a peace throughout my pregnancy because I just knew at the end we would have our long awaited child.
Lyra Kate always has a kiss and a hug for everyone. She is very nurturing to her little brother and sister. She is so sweet sometimes you would think she was dripping sugar! She can be a bit challenging since she has a redheaded temper that flares up sometimes. She has a sweet spirit and we are blessed to call her daughter.
 |
| Lyra Kate at her third birthday party |
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Time sure is flying!
Today our little man is 12 weeks old. My how fast it seems to be going! We have survived my long c-section recovery, colic, daddy going out of town for three days, a four day trip to see Gamaw, a birthday party, Easter, and many sleepless nights. We are so used to Tucker being in our lives now that it seems like he always was suppose to be here. Well, except for Daddy, who occasionally forgets him! Don't worry, I'm not allowing him to take him anywhere alone since he tends to forget that we've "got a third one now"! He is a quiet little guy - most of the time.
He's gotten bigger but he's not fat. He's now sleeping through the night consistently. He is smiling and cooing. He loves his big sisters and watches them intently. He prefers Mommy still. He is wearing 6 month clothing and taking 6 ounces with each feeding. He's got an awesome grip and strong hands. And he still has that new baby smell which Daddy says smells like he's been in the tanning bed.
He is changing everyday and before I know it he will be up wrestling with his sisters and begging to go outside. (Yes, our girls wrestle even though they have never seen anyone do this - it was spontaneous). We are so happy to have our Tuck-Tuck! As he is now laying on my chest snoozing while I type this, one thing comes to mind...Be not afraid to have children, they are worth the effort!
 |
| All Smiles |
He's gotten bigger but he's not fat. He's now sleeping through the night consistently. He is smiling and cooing. He loves his big sisters and watches them intently. He prefers Mommy still. He is wearing 6 month clothing and taking 6 ounces with each feeding. He's got an awesome grip and strong hands. And he still has that new baby smell which Daddy says smells like he's been in the tanning bed.
He is changing everyday and before I know it he will be up wrestling with his sisters and begging to go outside. (Yes, our girls wrestle even though they have never seen anyone do this - it was spontaneous). We are so happy to have our Tuck-Tuck! As he is now laying on my chest snoozing while I type this, one thing comes to mind...Be not afraid to have children, they are worth the effort!
Friday, May 6, 2011
A True Friend?
Friends. We all have them. There are different types of friends - old friends, new friends, work friends, childhood friends, imaginary friends, and best friends. And there are "church" friends.
Lyra Kate has friends at church. She asks everyday if it's church day so she can see her friends. She's only three, so we don't have a lot of play dates yet. She only sees these friends at church and small group meetings. She loves spending time with her church friends. She talks the rest of the day about them.
Lots of church people are like this. They have "church" friends that they see on Sundays and at small group meetings. They really like these people. They enjoy being with them...for the most part. But they keep these "church" people at arms length because it's hard to be "themselves" when they are with them.
The mark of a true friend is someone who accepts you no matter what stage of life you are in - and that includes your spiritual life as well. Your church friends should be like kin - besides, we are all blood kin through the blood of Christ. We should focus on building each other up, encouraging each other, and praying for each other. Your church friends should be there when you need them, in times of celebration or in times of need. We should be real with them and we should be accepting of them. We should be quick to forgive and restore. We should not gossip or be divisive among our church friends. And we should be honest.
So, what type of friends do you have - "church" friends or true friends? And what type of friend are you?
Lyra Kate has friends at church. She asks everyday if it's church day so she can see her friends. She's only three, so we don't have a lot of play dates yet. She only sees these friends at church and small group meetings. She loves spending time with her church friends. She talks the rest of the day about them.
Lots of church people are like this. They have "church" friends that they see on Sundays and at small group meetings. They really like these people. They enjoy being with them...for the most part. But they keep these "church" people at arms length because it's hard to be "themselves" when they are with them.
The mark of a true friend is someone who accepts you no matter what stage of life you are in - and that includes your spiritual life as well. Your church friends should be like kin - besides, we are all blood kin through the blood of Christ. We should focus on building each other up, encouraging each other, and praying for each other. Your church friends should be there when you need them, in times of celebration or in times of need. We should be real with them and we should be accepting of them. We should be quick to forgive and restore. We should not gossip or be divisive among our church friends. And we should be honest.
So, what type of friends do you have - "church" friends or true friends? And what type of friend are you?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)